Two Wheel Fix - #6. Rae Carruth

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#6. Rae Carruth - Footbal

In his first season as a pro football player, Rae Carruth looked like he would be a star wide receiver for the Carolina Panthers. Then he broke his foot. Then he sprained his ankle. Then he noticed that $3500 of monthly child support was more than he could afford. Then one of the girls he was seeing told him she was pregnant. Rae Carruth is so fertile that every time he jerks off into a sock it squeezes out a pair of cowboy boots.

Rae Carruth was never known for his intellect. He thinks condoms are for making Hennessy popsicles in the freezer. The only reason Rae Carruth graduated third grade is because his ex wife was teaching the class. He started sleeping with Asian women because none of the kids he had could show him how to use chop sticks. So when Cherica Adams told Rae she was pregnant with his baby, he dealt with it in the smartest way he knew how: an easily solvable murder.

In 1999, Rae invited Cherica to a movie and they left in separate cars. Three men pulled up next to her and opened fire. Carruth blocked her escape with his own car, and after Cherica survived the attack, she wrote it all down. Rae and the three men were arrested, and Rae defended himself by saying it was all a botched drug deal, not a murder to avoid paying child support. In response, the judge said exactly what I would have said, only sarcastically. "OK, then you're free to go, Rae, but you have to come back if she dies." It was the classic Hope-The-Judge-Is-Retarded legal gambit.

Cherica did tragically die, so Rae dealt with it the smartest way he knew how: fleeing. But when you only have one good leg and a brain that thinks holding your breath is birth control, you're not going to get far. He was probably apprehended when he stopped to read a speed limit sign. Even if he made it to ground, you can Mapquest Rae Carruth and it will print out a trail of single mothers.

Rae was given 18 to 24 years in prison, or as many of his 5-year-olds explained to him: 157,784 to 210,379 Sesame Streets. These days, Rae Carruth is so busy with family visitations that he's barely had time to get the men on his cell block pregnant.

Read more: 7 Athletes Who Had More Crazy Than Talent | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-athlet...#ixzz1Ymcq4QWU

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