Motorcycle tools
 

Stole this off the buell site. Def some funny stuff

BIKE MECHANICS TOOL GUIDE

Tools you need & their uses.

HYDRAULIC BIKE JACK/PLATFORM - ingeniously designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the garage.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
WIRE WHEEL/GRINDER - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingertips and hard-earned guitar calluses.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands that smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly
- painted part carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
VICE-GRIPS - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or drilling holes in a floor of a car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE - used to open and slice quickly and deeply through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
HAMMER - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
HACKSAW - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
AVIATION SNIPS SEE above
AIR COMPRESSOR - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago and rounds them off.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
TIMING LIGHT - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
OXYCETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part

man over the years so many of those have been proven time and again. LOL

Some of those are hilarious... and very true... Unfortunately whoever made it got a little lazy through the end.

I think I can attest to like 99% of those personally. except for the impact gun one. for me instead of rounding bolt heads, it simply shears them off.

I bet there are some we could add as well.

Damn, my grandpa went blind in 1 eye when I tiny bit shot out of the drill press and into his eye. That was like back in the 70s though.

My grandfather cut off his left index finger on a table saw. The 70's were a tough time for grandpa's apparently.

I stopped reading after "tools you need" then realized it was funny and went back.

I'm not just bad with mechanical aptitude....I'm ridiculously bad. :( I'm working on it.

You do not posess a Y chromasome so you will never be good at it :lol:

What's your excuse then?

And if we really want to get into genetics....I possess MORE than a Y chromosome. ;)

2 x chromasomes does not trump a y chromasome :lol:

Funny. :lol:

You fail. Back to school.

He's heard that before.

yeah but now I get toi poke people with sharp objects and prescribe narcotics:boobs:

Talk about a 180* swing.

I done did gud

I'm sure your folks are proud!

theyre just happy I am out of the house :lol:

:lol: T-Rocks too...only he comes home in the summer. ZING.

Not if he takes summer classes ;)

Summer's primetime for "flying". He wouldn't dare.

Yea but at least they get their house redecorated every year so there's that...

OOOOOOOOOOOH. :lmao: Nice.

Anytime is primetime. And I hate my hometown so I live by the college all year. I grew up in a town of 12,000 people.

doucher.

Sounds like you need to do some hell raising.

The problem with that is the cops have nothing else to do and will show up 3 deep at parties and shit.

I grew up in a town with no cops. Only the state police who were a minimum of 45 mins away.

sounds horrible.

Yeah, horrible if you need legitimate police assistance. Great if you're in high school and looking to cause trouble.

awesome list

:lol:

My Y chromosome is functioning perfectly. As for the tools, yeah, I can agree with that list.

I could add a whole other category just covering Ducati tools after tearing down the 748. Maybe I'll do that once the project is done. LOL

Such beauty laying on that floor.

I agree. The damn frame is a work of art suitable for hanging in the house. LOL

However, I think it all looks a little better like this, fresh from the powdercoater. :D

very nice.

that is awesome.

but now he has ot put it back together, thats the fun part :lol:

Oh yeah. I've got several videos up on YouTube now detailing the taking apart process. I'll be doing the same with the going together of the engine, frame, bearings, etc. Also doing a vid on rebuilding the forks and tackling the desmodromic valvetrain check/adjustment.

So far I've gotten alot of positive comments on the vids.

My grandfather had a nail from someone elses nail gun ricochet and clip him in the eye. It was also the 70's. :wtf:

Wow, I wanna see it back in one piece.

Can't wait to see it when it's done!

If the damn boats from Italy would move quicker I'd be alot happier! LOL

Currently, I'm on the *3 weeks from the time I order to the time I see it* rotation. :skep:

Damn, I'd lose my mind waiting that long.

For sure. I bet you make sure you have everything accounted for when you go to make an order.

I'm thorough as fuck.

Like calling ahead to make sure they have a speciffic bolt :lol:

Motherfucker. Guys like you are ruining my rep.

Yeah, I was mostly. LOL

The only problem was the assemblies I hadn't tore apart prior to ordering parts.

When I pulled the rear hub assembly apart, the 4 bolts that hold the drive pins against the cush drive all snapped off. So, not only did I have to order new bolts, but I had to order 4 new drive pins. I'm still waiting on those, but the swingarm bearings I'm still waiting on are the main hold up now. As soon as I get those in, I can put the frame and swingarm together, put the frame in, get it on the stands, and go to town. :D

it's too bad we don't have rep here.

Mine would be through the roof.

Didnt we used to have it here?

Yeah, boss daddy got rid of it.

too much bullshit from it. amusing while it lasted. Captain had a fucking crazy rep back at the old twf.

I dont remember why he got rid of hit here. I could look, but I wont.

I'm pretty sure people were bitching about negs.

Queers.

exactly. its not like the shit mattered anyway.

man, that list is so true it's not even funny

wasnt ebbs at like absolute zero for neg reps

What list are you talking about? :skep:

I think so. I got pretty low for the same reasons as my name is "t-homo" right now.

He crashed the system with his negativeness.

what a nancy.

He's got large mammeries.